top of page
You get the “smoke screen” arguments - more...
You’ve likely heard all of this...
These are the Narc’s tactics….snow jobs, smoke screens, excuses, diversions.
You ask them questions…but they don’t answer them…they throw questions back to you.
Notice, they avoid the original question, they don’t take responsibility, or even give you the benefit of the doubt that MAYBE they did something offensive.
“THAT wasn’t my motive!”
-Yah, the Narc can read my mind, and they KNOW that I’m thinking too much, over reacting, ruminating, judging, being too sensitive ….eh…how do THEY read MY mind?
-Yah, maybe consciously it was not their motive….but unconsciously….in their pedagogy, training, fear….they DO what they DO….and you are obviously hurt…and they obviously don’t care about how you feel.
-Eh…as an Empath, no, I cant read their mind, nor know their motives….no, I don’t want to be in their head, but I can assume what was their motive, by the evidence in the story….and I see their patterns…
-Notice how they don’t offer “WHAT WAS” their motive. They basically change the subject like, ”Hey, let’s go eat!”…as if NOTHING bad ever happened.
-Even if they could comprehend, and admit that “maybe” they did wrong…then….they’d have to figure out how it makes sense…how can they think they are “nice”, yet having done something bad? THAT would be cognitive dissonance….a good and bad idea in conflict….and they don’t want to “go there”.
-Notice how you never get to the real “point”….and how they divert the conversation elsewhere, and they keep throwing other tactics at you.
“YOU are mind reading, and fortune telling!”
-Yah, again, by observing Narc behavior, I can predict what they will do….yet, of course, they say it’s BAD if I predict such things.
-But for the Narc, “We know how you like your privacy, how you don’t like people, how you are dark and unloving, how you don’t like family”…eh…THAT is fortune telling, judgment, and shaming.
“You can think anything you want to!”
-Well, thanks for your permission. What they are saying is… “What you are saying is true, and I don’t want to hear it.” Yes, you have an opinion, and they are minimizing/discounting it…using a “socially acceptable” phrase. Isn’t that DARK? Again, they don’t want to talk.
“Words don’t have to mean anything!”
-Yah, when you tell them the words that they said, and how it hurts you….and now….they don’t apologize, they just remove the “meaning” of the words that they spoke….therefore, they don’t have to apologize for a thing. Now they’ve changed history, by re-defining the words. Another AMAZING philosophy, rooted in BS.
“You should only look for the good in people…if you look for evil, then you’ll find it!”
-Oh, yah, the argument is back to me again, that I’m the problem…some FLAW in MY psychology.
-As if I’m now SO evil?
-Eh, so if I do see evil, then, should I ignore it? No thanks.
-I don’t go looking for a rattle snake….but if I do come across one…I say “THAT is a rattle snake.” Did I make it poisonous? NO.
-It’s like….when Jesus saw a demon possessed man…did he go looking for the demon? No…Jesus happened to find the guy that day. And, because Jesus “recognized” the demon in the man….did that also make Jesus “evil” or “demon possessed”? No. Just the same…if you see evil in someone…it doesn’t make you evil.
-Yes, look for good in people…ahem… it is SO easy to find the “good” in good people.
-Yes, be wise, and discerning….wise as a serpent, gentle as a dove…you can talk to a “reasonable” person….so, don’t try to “confront” a psycho, especially when they are already throwing spears at you with “if you look for evil, then you’ll find it.”….they are basically saying “back off”. No, your kindness and intent to “make a relationship better” isn’t going to work here. Even if you keep trying to get to your point of “what they said/did”….you won’t get there.
“That negative that you find is a reflection of you, and your dark side!”
-Don’t buy it.
-Hah, good trick….like yah, I should just stay quiet? Wink wink…yah, that makes you powerless once more, and gives the Narc the upper hand. Who made that philosophy? When Jesus saw evil in someone…and he pointed it out…did that make him evil? No.
“YOU are self-absorbed, and you think too much!”
-Yah, when they gave you the “jab” during the conversation, you didn’t fight back. You thought about it later. And now, you are coming to them, to have a “talk” about how they treat you. And….you are expecting them to be a “normal-reasonable” person. But no…they hit you with this comment [YOU are self-absorbed, and think too much] and further minimize you, that you have no human rights to be respected.
-Yes, you thought about it….and where was that point of “too much”? What if you had pulled back, just 10% of reaching “too much”…then, you’d thought about it 90%, and you’d be OKAY, right? Hah. Even so, they wouldn’t want to have a conversation….because you’d get to truth…of what you believe about respect, honor, trust….of which things, they want to have no part.
-Yes, it’s their diversion tactic…to put the problem on you….so that, the issue is not about what they said….you’ll never get to that part of the conversation.
“We’re just different!”
-Different from WHAT? A "neurotypical"?
-Ah, the “personality type” defense. What a LIE. It’s not about “personality”…what they said/did is about their beliefs, values, and what they chose to do to you, to gain control…and they don’t want to admit it.
-Notice how they DON’T say how they are “different”…different from WHAT? Different from you? Yah. Different from ….? So, with this excuse, they have a “self-appointed” right to dismiss what they said/did.
“You shouldn’t feel that way!”
-Wow. Add insult to injury. Here you are….they said/did something and you felt hurt. Now, you got up the courage to be assertive, bold, and go talk to them. Now they minimize you again, discounting how you feel. It’s fair to say, they DON’T care.
-Do they mean you should feel “some other way?” Notice how they don’t offer “This is other way you should feel, ____.” Eh….actually….who gives THEM the authority to tell YOU how to feel?
THEM.
“I didn’t hurt you, you chose to feel hurt!”
-Yah, I was having a good day, then I entered their orbit, and upon my own volition, I decided that NOW, I want to feel hurt. What is THAT? It’s projection. They are putting the issue/blame back on you…notice how MOST of their responses start with “YOU”?
-As if …..to fix this relationship….I just need to quit feeling hurt.
[Now why didn’t I THINK of that?]
-Awesome. So, they don't own what they say, and we never get back to that original issue..."what they said"...this is part of the smokescreen.
-When I’m in a good relationship…friendship…then I’m safe…and I can laugh…and I don’t consciously “choose to feel happy”, it just happens, right? But yes, I choose to stay in that friendship and I choose to schedule more time together. In contrast, when I’m near the Narc, and they “let me have it”…then do I “choose to feel hurt”? Maybe I feel hurt, and I get consciously in touch with that….and agree that, yes, being with this person is emotionally painful. Yes, I feel hurt. So does that mean that all of my emotional experiences are choices? And that I need to choose differently? Eh…so I can’t just freely experience emotions…they all have to be choices? Wow. All of that is an amazing philosophy….that is all BS….and it’s an avoidance tactic by the Narc. See how they’ve turned YOU against YOU?
That art of “choosing” leads to the next tactic.
“Happiness is a choice!”
-Well, that’s partly true…as I choose what I think about. But...I thought finding trust, honor, and respect with someone, and having a "safe" conversation was part of "happiness"...
-Again, the narc is telling me, that my life is directed by my choices…eh….yes, it is….but, am I happy when I’m near them? No. And the Narc is telling me, “If you would just choose to be happy, then we’d get along.” Wow. Another amazing philosophy, full of BS. See how they put the obligation on you? That you should like their poor treatment, and “choose” to be happy WITH them? And….leave your feelings behind. No…this makes NO sense. The Narc just wants you to stay in the bad relationship [if you call it that], and choose to smile and laugh, when it’s not genuine…and keep being their “supply”.
NO THANKS.
-How bout if….I live by my beliefs….and I carefully choose my friends….then I reap the consequence of a great friend….I live in the truth, I laugh, I smile, and I don’t have to choose…all of that just “happens.” That’s the one I want. Don’t fall for their “Happiness is a choice” line. What can you do when they say that? Nothing. The conversation is over.
They care about your well-being, about as much as the gum on the bottom of their shoe.
“You’re taking me to task!”
-Oh, I forgot, the Narc is the victim.
-Yes, when you talk to the Narc about what they said/did….they don’t listen, consider how you feel, and apologize. They make a defensive argument, like you are taking them to court. And this is the odd thing…the double standard….they can judge you, put you in a box, pigeon hole you in a stereotype, mock you, tell you who you are…and if you expose who THEY are…then they get very defensive. What can you do when they say that? Nothing. The conversation is over. Yah, you “are” trying to talk about an issue…and “take to task” makes it sound like more of a crime. Still, they are telling you to back off, and they are not going to budge.
“You need to go to counseling!”
-As if you should praise them for being your hero, giving you insight, and rescuing you from yourself?
-It’s the pot calling the kettle black.
-And they KEEP asking you if you have gone to counseling...and if you say "No"...then they figure that YOU don't care, and you don't want to resolve any issues...eh...so there ARE issues?
-If you say, "Yah, let's talk about the issues"...then, they keep going in their circular thinking, and say, "Why, yes, YOU are the problem, YOU are too sensitive..."
“YOU are too moody, and you are sulking.”
-“Oh, you’re going to pout?”
-“You’re ruining our Christmas ….lighten up.”
-Really? ALL people who are sitting there, minding their own business are “moody”?
-Eh….if the talk in the office is all about dissing people, manipulation, sarcasm, put downs, playing Pokemon ….and I don’t want to jump in there and participate…then I’m moody?
-If I avoid showing emotion to the Narc…then I’m not wise…I’m moody, and giving the silent treatment?
"You’re so reactionary!"
-Oh, yah, if I show any emotion, any frustration, and I explain myself over and over...what I meant, how I feel, what I want, and they don’t get it….it’s crazy making.
-And they don’t have to explain anything.
-Notice how they stay calm when you are visibly upset...eh...they are so MATURE? No...they are kicking back, loving it...making you crazy.
“I’m sorry things aren’t just the way you prefer.”
-Wow….was that an apology?
-Eh...yah…like I prefer things to be “normal”...with Trust, Honor, and Respect?
-NO, “things” don’t have to be the way “I prefer”….but, isn’t it a “given” that most people just want peace, understanding, connection, and love?
-So, see how the Narc makes the argument about YOU, that YOU are possibly the Narc?
“You’re judging me!”
-Oh, hang on here….THEY can judge you, put you down, make assumptions about you, make inferences and innuendos….but when you “call them out”….then THAT is their defense, that YOU are judging THEM? Wow. So they can judge you, but you can’t judge them, because it hurts them. Okay. So, they want you to be assertive, and speak up about how you feel…but…just so that they will know “they got you” with their manipulations and tricks….but they don’t want to have a talk about “issues”, or anything they did wrong. They just want to keep you roped in, arguing, and confused in the drama. THAT is the dance.
“YOU believe God put Adam and Eve here, “poof poof”...well, don’t believe everything you hear!”
-Oh, okay. That’s sort of an “Adhominem”, where the other person doesn’t argue a point as “right or wrong”...but rather, YOU are wrong and bad.
“A “died-in-the-wool’ Christian like you would be GREAT for the Peace Corps!”
-Eh….is that a “back-handed” compliment, or a complete slam of my being, my desire, and my drive to “do good”?
-Yah, what a socially acceptable insult.
You can keep asking questions till you are blue in the face…hoping they will understand you, with empathy and compassion.
Not going to happen.
So, end of conversation.
bottom of page